


Lament

by Arrival_Of_Dawn



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Cole (Dragon Age) Being Cole, Cole and the Inquisitor are best friends, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Grey Warden mentions, Helpful Cole (Dragon Age), Panic Attacks, Post-Dragon Age: Inquisition Quest - Here Lies the Abyss, References to Depression, Spirit Cole (Dragon Age)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-27
Updated: 2018-10-27
Packaged: 2019-08-08 11:01:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16428107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arrival_Of_Dawn/pseuds/Arrival_Of_Dawn
Summary: Magdalene Trevelyan is still dealing with the backlash from her decisions in the fade and at Adamant Fortress. Stressed, worn out, and downright upset, Magdalene hides away so no one will see her break. Only Cole is there to help her as she had helped him. Cole is the only one who can see her cry and that's okay even if her emotions are not.Or better yet, I believe my Inquisitor and Cole are best friends and this is a situation I feel would happen often where Cole comes around when Magdalene really needs some comfort when she can not turn to anyone else.





	Lament

The afternoon air was crisp and cool against Magdalene Trevelyan’s heated skin, face still hot and red from the intense argument that had taken place minutes earlier at the war table. Magdalene’s decision to let the Grey Wardens join the inquisition was met with mixed reactions, some furious and some agreeable, and now that there were missions involving the remaining Grey Wardens it felt as if Magdalene was continually reopening an old wound. The war table was constantly divided on how to work with Grey Wardens and there was no safe way to discuss them without an argument breaking out. It drove Magdalene insane.

Some trust was certainly lost when she made the decision to take them on and more so than that Magdalene still felt the pain from leaving Loghain behind in the fade. Everyone was still reeling from the battle at Adamant Fortress, but none more than Magdalene. That had truly been a hard call to make and with an extremely heavy heart she told Loghain to stay behind. She didn’t even know the man well, they had just met after all, but to subject someone to the horrors of the fade alone was reprehensible. Just before she crossed through the fade back to Adamant Fortress she watched him fighting valiantly, unrelenting even in the face of damnation, and that burden would haunt her for the rest of her days. 

The look Hawke gave her after all was said and done, one part disgusted another part pitying, still chilled her to her core. It had been such an odd mixture to see present on her normally somber face and she was certain that she would never be able to forget it.

The memory of Loghain’s sacrifice was only the tip of the iceberg. How many lives were lost at Haven or on missions she gave the go ahead on? There were too many for her to ever want to count. How did Leliana do it? She managed to harden her heart enough so that her façade never cracked. Did Leliana too feel the soul crushing heart break whenever one of her spies never returned? It would be improper to ask even if the thought of Leliana understanding her was a comforting one. Maybe she was cruel to think that. There was no way she would ever wish that feeling upon anyone. 

Magdalene exhaled a shaky breath feeling her exterior crack. She never asked for any of this. She never asked to be the Herald of Andraste or the Inquisitor. She fell into it, quite literally in a sense, and the bitterness that came with her unwanted titles stung her guilt ridden heart. And now after another intense argument at the war table and after countless tiring discussions with her companions who had an endless list of tasks for her, Magdalene needed more than anything to have a moment of quiet to collect her spinning thoughts.

Sitting on the edge of the cobbled wall overlooking the snow covered mountain tops normally set her mind at peace. There was something wonderful about watching the sun move over the mountains as light made the pure snow glisten like diamonds and hearing the crows caw nearby as they readied for their missions. However, today was different. Her mind was far from quiet; full of racing thoughts regarding the favors many of her companions asked of her, the never ending war table missions, and the looming fate of the world as they worked on a means to stop Corypheus and close the demon spilling green holes that cropped up all over the continent.

A deep set panic settled in her chest and she knew what it meant. Magdalene was no stranger to panic attacks having dealt with them since she was quite young and she was truly surprised it had taken this long for her to have one. While she had grown quite good at suppressing them during her time in the Ferelden Circle they still managed to sneak up on her from time to time. As her breath hitched and fresh tears tinged her eyes she figured it had to do with the fact that she was alone with nothing else to think about except her multitude of failures, the amount of distrust she accrued among the inquisition and her companions alike with each decision she made, and most of all the crushing weight of being the figure head for a larger than life movement. 

Cole appearing next to her sitting along the edge of the wall with one leg propped up and his head draped atop his knee was a welcome surprise. Magdalene tried to smile, but as her lips pulled apart for it she hiccupped and a sob broke through her chest, moved up her throat, and came out through her mouth pitifully. 

“Sinking pain. A crushed spirit with surmounting fear. You have nothing to be ashamed of,” Cole told her as he watched her with delicate concern.

“I should not be crying like this,” Magdalene whimpered as tears streamed down her face. A moment later she pat at her cheeks hoping the sting would help focus her.

“You need to cry so you should cry. There is nothing wrong with that.”

“I am the inquisitor and as such I cannot allow anyone to see me this weak.”

“You are allowed to _feel _/,” Cole said adamantly.__

__“Not if it makes me lose focus,” Magdalene said lugubriously._ _

__“You are far stronger than you give yourself credit.” Cole stood then, balancing precariously on the edge of the wall and Magdalene reached a nervous hand out towards his calf in case he teetered too far forward. Cole’s soft chuckle dispersed with the wind as he looked over his shoulder, gaze shrouded by his overhanging hat._ _

__Magdalene turned to find Vivienne striding across the grass towards her. When she turned back around Cole was gone. Her heart ached a little at his abrupt disappearance._ _

__Magdalene turned her back to Vivienne for a moment to wipe the tears from her face although she is sure she merely smeared them around making her cheekbones glisten with the moisture. She swung her legs around and forced herself to her feet just as Vivienne comes to stop in front of her. Vivienne regarded the spot where Cole previously stood with narrowed eyes._ _

__“You really should be more concerned by the company you keep. That creature is as confusing as the fade itself.”_ _

__“Cole has more compassion than anyone else I know.”_ _

__Vivienne eyed her. “Was that supposed to be funny?”_ _

__Magdalene smiled with a soft, watery laugh. “A little.”_ _

__Vivienne sighed, still looking entirely too beautiful for her own good even as her face was marred by the weight of whatever stressful thing she was about to say._ _

__“Dry your eyes my dear, I have a favor to ask.”_ _

__As Magdalene readied herself to listen to another story followed by a new request to add to her already tall plate she kept her eyes open in the hopes that she could see Cole somewhere on the grounds. After no such luck she followed Vivienne down the stairs to their right and prepared herself mentally to provide comfort and surety that she had no business giving with how heavy her heart was in its current state._ _

__The sun had fully set by the time Magdalene found another moment to herself. She avoided her bedroom knowing full well that Josephine planned to corner her for an answer on a pressing Orlesian manner that Magdalene truly did not care for. She avoided the tavern after seeing Varric, Sera, Dorian, and Iron Bull enter because as fun as that combination would be she was in no mood to deal with their drunken antics. She tried hiding up in the Rookery, but the crows were restless and made noise seemingly with every breath she took. She turned away from the garden once she saw Cassandra and Solas enter. The training grounds were still full of fledglings running their paces with Cullen overseeing them like a robust, stern lion lying in wait. Magdalene stood by to watch for a moment because she truly admired Cullen’s determination and leadership skill, but today was different. He too must have been off his game from the earlier arguments in the war room because at each tiny slip up one of his soldiers made he was shouting vehemently at them to fix their stance or hold their shield higher. Magdalene knew it came from a place of concern for their safety in the field, but the acrimony in his tone was something that managed to strike fear in her heart and she wasn’t even the one his words were directed at._ _

__So, Magdalene moved on from there and went up to the battlements. The wind whistled through the brick around her and whipped her hair into her face as she swung one leg over the edge and sat with her back pressed to the stone wall behind her. Her sigh was lost in the air, sucked away by a particularly vicious crack of wind that chilled her to her core. She shivered against the harsh, frozen air and rubbed her hands over her arms to keep warm._ _

__Magdalene focused her breathing as she felt the telltale pickup in her heart rate for the second time that day. Forcing back stress related tears was a bigger task than she thought because the more she fought back the tears the harder they pushed to free themselves._ _

__Finally, in the dark of the night with the wind as her only comfort she let herself really cry and held nothing back. The raucous wind was her only defense as it deafened her loud sobs and blocked them from carrying down to the courtyard below. With every heaving sob she sank further into herself, shoulders hunching painfully as they pulled on strained muscles and old injuries that she disregarded in order to cave into her body. Magdalene cried into her hands that clung to the flesh of her face then moved to drag her nails down her neck and over her chest._ _

__She was beyond grateful that the battlements were empty because if anyone saw her battered and crumbled she would have chucked herself over the wall and allowed the void to embrace her. Magdalene found herself thinking she would have preferred fighting her way through the demons of the fade again than continue to feed the hole in her chest._ _

__Cullen and his soldiers had long since gone in for the night by the time Magdalene’s sobs quieting to hushed, pained cries. By the time Dorian and Varric exited the tavern laughing loudly as they made their way up to the throne room entrance Magdalene was completely quiet, head pounding, throat and eyes burning, and exhausted beyond belief._ _

__It took even longer for Magdalene to find the energy to drag herself to her bedroom. Her fingers and toes had gone numb and the chill in her bones rattled her teeth. The grounds beneath her were completely silent and dark as everyone except her was asleep. She was certainly going to kick herself in the morning for not going to bed earlier because she knew Josephine or Cassandra would be up at the crack of dawn with things for her to do._ _

__Pushing her door open was a hearty task as her muscles were tight and frozen and she was weary and incredibly drained. She lit the candle at her bedside table and stopped to stare at the package on her bed. Sat directly in the middle of her grand bed was a blueberry muffin on a small silver plate not yet stale and something she never thought she would see again. With shaky fingers she picked up the stained gold cuff encrusted with brilliant blue stones that sparkled far more than they had even when she was first gifted the ornament by her sister._ _

__The cuff had been given to her before she was taken to live in the Ferelden circle as a girl and she looped it around every staff she ever used as a reminder of her sister’s love. The cuff was lost in the explosion at the conclave along with her staff. When she awoke it took a lot longer than she would ever care to admit to realize that her precious gift was lost._ _

__Magdalene lowered herself to the edge of her bed and wept openly as she clutched the cuff to her heart. For the first time in forever she cried tears of pure joy and the hole in her heart began to mend itself._ _

__The next morning Magdalene woke with the sun streaming through her room and despite her foggy head and lingering grogginess she smiled brighter than ever. She spent the morning polishing the cuff to rid it of some of the harder to reach dirt hidden away in grooves until it looked almost new. Fixing the cuff to her newest upgraded staff imbued her with such a powerful feeling that it chased away her weariness and she descended to the throne room with pep in her step that did not go unnoticed._ _

__Several voices called out to her as she made her way toward Josephine’s office, each one bringing up the smile she wore or the happiness she exuded. She found Dorian crossing towards the stairwell that led to the library and he paused to watch her._ _

__A mischievous smile curled his lips. “Someone looks happy. Did you get bedded last night?”_ _

__Magdalene feigned shock. “How crude!” she laughed. “Not that it is any of your business, but no, I did not.”_ _

__“None of my business—ha! I am the first person you would run to and regale with stories of your sexual escapades if you had any.”_ _

__“You and I both know I have no time for any of that.”_ _

__“You and me both,” Dorian sighed wistfully. “Although I would not mind if Cullen one day decided to switch teams.”_ _

__“Does everyone in Skyhold have feelings for our commander?”_ _

__“Are you saying you don’t?”_ _

__“I have spent long, sleepless nights poring over war table reports and having heated debates with the man. I think much of my crush has died with my brain cells.”_ _

__“Tragic,” Dorian lamented. “So, if your sudden joy has nothing to do with sexual release then what has caused it?”_ _

__“Next time we go out I’ll show you. Now if you’ll excuse me I cannot hide from Josephine any longer. I fear she will tear down all of Skyhold to find me if I do not find her first.”_ _

__“She did seem to be rather…ruffled this morning.” Magdalene stepped around Dorian and strode past him. “I expect you to take me out on the next mission because I want to see whatever has brought you such joy!”_ _

__“Sure thing!” Magdalene called behind her as she pulled open the door leading to Josephine’s office._ _

__Magdalene’s mood was at such a high peak nothing could bring her down not even Josephine’s nervous rambling over some Orlesian issue pertinent to neither the Inquisition’s allies nor another war table debate that nearly spiraled out of control. Cullen was still a little uptight, perhaps yelling at the soldiers in training had not helped like he wanted, but at least Josephine had calmed after their morning conversation. Then there was Leliana who was the calmest of the bunch outwardly, preferring to not raise her voice and use her sharp words to strike fear instead. Out of all of them Leliana made Magdalene the most nervous as she still had not cracked the mysterious woman._ _

__Magdalene exited the war room still in high spirits with the other three trailing behind watching her closely. She did not give them a chance to ask her about her uplifted mood as she was on a mission to find Cole._ _

__He was not as difficult to find as she expected. Cole was flitting around the training ground whispering words of encouragement to the soldiers there. Magdalene smiled as the visible impact of Cole’s words became apparent in the gleaming eyes and added vitality in the soldier’s training._ _

__Magdalene gestured to Cole to meet her as she made her way away from the crowd and back towards the battlement. She leaned forward; arms draped across the stone wall, and shifted her weight to be more comfortable. Cole appeared next to her mimicking her posture._ _

__“You are happier. I am glad.”_ _

__Magdalene smiled as warmth filled her chest. “I have you to thank for that don’t I?”_ _

__Cole was quiet for a moment. The only sound being the soft breeze rustling the edges of his hat. “You deserve this. You perform kind acts for everyone else, yet you do not give yourself the same courtesy.”_ _

__“I—have nothing to say to that,” Magdalene finished lamely. “Where did you learn that blueberry muffins were my favorite?”_ _

__“I heard you tell Varric a story once about how much you enjoyed when your mother made them for you. They remind you of a happier time in your life.”_ _

__“You’re right about that,” Magdalene said wistfully. “Before the circle took me away my mother made them for my sister and I. Every Sunday morning we would wake up to the smell of fresh blueberry muffins. I haven’t had one in years.”_ _

__Cole dipped his head, face obscured by the dark shadows cast by his hat. “If you ask I am sure the cooks would be more than happy to bake them for you.”_ _

__“I’ll eat an entire baker’s dozen after we beat Corypheus.”_ _

__Cole looked up at her startled. “Please don’t do that. Surely it will make you sick.”_ _

__“I’ll share it with the rest of the group. We can make a celebratory party out of it.”_ _

__“I like the sound of that.”_ _

__Magdalene switched so that her back was to the mountains. She could see Cole far better this way and admired his strange beauty that was made more apparent by the way the golden light hit the planes of his face. He was an odd looking boy, and one that not everyone would find remotely attractive in any of his features, but Magdalene had long ago learned to see the beauty in people physically and internally. Cole happened to be one of the most beautiful beings she ever met and it only grew since he embraced being a spirit of compassion._ _

__No matter what anyone else said, Magdalene was happy for Cole and would stand by him eternally._ _

__“Cole, I have to ask, how did you get my sisters cuff?”_ _

__A small smile tugged at the corner of Cole’s lips and Magdalene nearly missed it as he dipped his head down once more. “It was nothing.”_ _

__“I lost this when the conclave blew up. How did you ever find it?”_ _

__“I searched for it.”_ _

__Magdalene huffed out a laugh. “Well, of course you did. But where did you find it?”_ _

__“Exactly where you left it.”_ _

__“Cole,” Magdalene said exasperated. Then she laughed, bright and bubbly. “I guess the logistics don’t matter. Why did you look for it?”_ _

__“Because you longed for it.”_ _

__This stopped her. All traces of laughter thrown off her face as her shock smacked her across the cheek. “I—I accepted that I would never see it again.”_ _

__“You told yourself that, but you never meant it. Lingering looks in battle, distracting, causing pain, you tried to fight it, and failed. You are lighter now.”_ _

__“You’re right. Thank you Cole, truly.”_ _

__Magdalene did something she never did before with anyone in the Inquisition and pulled Cole by his arm into a hug. He was stiff in her grasp, head tilting this way and that, eyebrows screwed together in confusion as she squeezed._ _

__“I don’t understand.”_ _

__“I am showing my gratitude. I don’t know what else I can do,” Magdalene told him._ _

__“You have already done more than enough for me. You guided me to my true self and allowed me to stay when no one else would have. You have believed in me since the beginning.”_ _

__“Cole, I cannot begin to imagine the amount of trouble you went through to get this for me. Thank you.”_ _

__Cole squeezed her shoulder awkwardly. “You have already thanked me.”_ _

__Magdalene laughed heartily and pulled away. Cole’s minute smile did not go unnoticed. “Come on let’s go beg Varric to tell us a story.”_ _

__“I do enjoy his stories. Do you think Solas will join us?”_ _

__Magdalene held out her arm for Cole to take. A moment later his hesitantly looped his arm through hers._ _

__“It never hurts to ask. He may surprise us and share stories of his own.”_ _

__“I would like that.”_ _

__“Me too, Cole. Me too.”_ _

__There was still a lot to worry about and a lot that burdened Magdalene’s mind and heart, but she felt lighter than air, warm, and content for the first time in months. As she and Cole walked arm in arm getting strange looks from passerby’s she couldn’t help the vibrant smile that stretched across her face. Cole must have felt it too because while his was far more subdued she could see his lips tugged up in the corners and his eyes twinkling behind his bangs._ _

**Author's Note:**

> I have not played Dragon Age Inquisition in a while, so forgive me if there are any discrepancies or anything that's really off. This is also the first time I'm publishing a fanfiction in a few years so I hope you enjoy! I took a break from writing fanfiction, but I think I may start coming back to it especially if you guys enjoy my writing!
> 
> I love Cole so much if that is not apparent. I think he is wildly underrated as a character and that there is so much that could potentially happen between him and the Inquisitor. In my mind, with this Inquisitor at least, she and Cole are really good friends and she confides in him quite a bit. Cole enjoys listening and helping calm her whenever he can. I think it's a sweet relationship.


End file.
